Maybe there is cricket after all!

The following side has been selected to represent the United Kingdom in the first Test Match against the current tourists. Note that, as previously agreed with the visitors, two overseas players can be selected.

1. B. Johnson (Captain) – An effervescent opener liable to a rush of blood. Has become more reliable since appointment as Captain. Controls his team with foppish flamboyance and keeps a roving eye on female spectators.

2. M. Hancock – Has recently made his mark as a steady and determined opener. Lacks flair but always responds to a call for a quick single. Takes his role very seriously and possesses a good pair of hands in the field. Remains inexperienced at this level.

3. R. Sunak (Vice Captain) – The new Golden Boy. Elegant and stylish at the crease, he plays shots all round the wicket. Capable of game changing innings’ and looks every inch a future Captain. The team will rely heavily on this exciting new talent.

4.  C. Whitty – A calm, measured and assured player with a solid technique. Good man to come in after a couple of early wickets. Bowls some healthy spin when needed and is not well known to the opposition. Great team man.

5. P.Patel – Wristy, languid and a joy to watch when in action. Brilliant in slips where Captain always keeps her close. Seems unlucky that umpires keep a very close eye on her and she is often LBW. A glamorous player and very exciting when she comes off.

6. M. Fabricant – Flamboyant all-rounder who likes to take on all-comers. A slightly unusual style is highlighted by how still he keeps his head at all times. Will do anything for his skipper but has never quite made it at the very top.

7. M. Gove (wicketkeeper) – Irritatingly chipper behind the stumps and never quite sure where to stand. Often applauds his Captain but can let the side down with his decision making. Capable of middle-order runs but has not yet fulfilled his potential.

8. N. Sturgeon – Brash, confrontational young colt who talks a good game. Constant moaning can wear down opposition and team-mates. Always sent to field in the deep so she can be independent. Rarely delivers when needed.

9. D. Trump (Overseas) – Claims to be Captain of the World’s strongest team. Lads believe he means Holland as he is orange. Blusters in off a long run to offer up absolute rubbish. Only picked because he brings his wife.

10. J. Rees-Mogg – Thinks he is playing against the 1902 Aussies. Leg spinner who rarely troubles the opposition. Doesn’t talk to most of his team as believes they are commoners. Brings his butler and valet to all matches.

11. I. Khan (Overseas) – Selected because he is PM of some Eastern country. Has a posh accent and played a bit for Sussex and a few others. Wives like him. Can actually bowl but bats 11 as Captain doesn’t trust claim that he can ‘bat a bit too’.

UMPIRE – V. Putin (Russia) – Considered neutral as dislikes everyone, drinks vodka and thinks he’s important.

SCORER – D. Abbot – Brilliant number cruncher. Useful when side is 43-8, she will have score at 188-2.

Clubhouse Manager – Jeremy someone. Seedy individual seen skulking around and grumbling about toffs and the privileged. Never seems to know what he’s doing and desperately looking for a replacement.


– Nice old boy called Major. Claims he captained the side many years ago. Sits drinking pints and grinning.

– Posh totty called Rachel who sits drinking Gin all afternoon. Says she’s the Captain’s sister and later on is over-friendly towards the lads.

– Several women and children of all ages who claim to be friends and relations of the Captain. Nobody is quite sure who they are, least of all the Captain.

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